Warning! A Bit Explicit!!
Before you scroll down and read the letter below. This is a letter I recently wrote to my birth mother. My father said I should contact her and let her know what was going on with me. After giving her the links to my blog and my gofundme, she stopped talking to me again. This has some rather detailed information from my past and it isn't pleasant. I changed names for personal reasons.
"I don't know if you will read this or not. I do hope you actually read it to the end. I am angry and I feel justified. I didn't want to reach out to you. Dad insisted that you would give a shit that I almost died a few times and am a high risk of dying on the table. Against my better judgement I reached out to you. Yes I am angry. I feel justified. Dad has been a part of my life for the last 12 years and knows I was never after money, but I get the feeling that is all you think I am after. At least that is what grandma told me before she died. But it doesn't matter. I will never reach out to you again after I send you this letter. But since I don't know your side of the story and I somehow get the feeling that you aren't interested in telling me your side. So I am going to tell what my life has been like and through it all. I am a good person. I have a good heart and I did everything I could, include sacrifice parts of my life for my kids. So forgive me if I don't understand how you or dad could have eliminated me from your lives in the past. Though I do have a good relationship with dad now and I have heard his side of the story, but it doesn't excuse how my childhood was robbed from me. Either way....here goes a shortened version of the story of my life and the things you missed out on.
I remember running around in those gravel pits. I remember burning my butt on the space heater after I got out of the tub. I remember dad coming to get me to take me to be with him and second wife (whom I did not like). I remember him putting me on a plane and sending me to live with his sister and her husband. That is where my nightmare began. Everything was good until the sister got pregnant. Guess she thought she couldn't have any kids, at least that is what she told me. As soon as she got pregnant I was a burden so to speak. I became their slave for the next 6 years. I still resent them.. If I did something wrong I would get beat with the switch. I was made to clean nasty homes for money I never seen, as well as mow lawns for money I never seen. If I didn't have a bowel movement everyday, I was either forced to drink huge cups of prune juice or have an enema shoved up my butt. One particular time that I remember, I don't remember what I did, but I was taken to the garage and told I was going to be beat with a switch and a belt. Which ever one I choose, I was going to get twice. I chose the belt. I was made to bare my bottom and lift up my shirt. I was beat with the belt, then the switch and then the belt again. Then because I was crying too loudly, I got beat with the switch again. I had blood pouring out of my body. I was 8. When I was ten I was made to drink such a large god awful amount of prune juice that I threw it up. It made the sister sick. My punishment for making her sick was to stand outside in the snow barefoot for 15 minutes. Her husbands brother repeatedly molested me throughout the years as well. Started when I was 6.. I wasn't allowed to have snacks or anything with sugar like their daughters. I started sneaking food because I was hungry all the time. Because they would constantly make me gross stuff to eat and try to force me to eat it. That was the beginning of my eating disorder. Though I didn't know it. Then one day, dad came to visit with his third wife. Because I was having fun spending time with him, I was thrown out of their house at the age of 12. I didn't care. I was grateful to get away from them.
I lived with dad and his third wife for awhile. Except for being bullied in school, I liked living with them. third wife was in the military as well and they both had to go do something so they sent me to live, supposedly for a short time, with grandma. She then went and got the adoption by the sister and her husband revoked. By the way, it was entirely illegal and I have the paperwork to prove it. Here is where it gets tricky again. See I was told that Dad didn't want me, so grandma got custody of me. Dad later told me that he would send me letters and call me, but she would tell him that I didn't want to talk to him. I didn't know. Then I got to meet you and I was excited. Finally, both of my real parents. Then grandma said you left me and didn't contact me again because you were upset she found your pot and flushed it down the toilet.
Grandma did her best raising me, I guess. I wasn't allowed to do anything. Anytime I showed an interest in a school activity I was not allowed to participate. If I read a book she would tell me to watch tv.. If I got too into the tv she would tell me to read a book. Nothing I did seemed to please her sometimes. We were very poor and my eating habits worsened. I would sneak food more and more and that is when I really started to put on weight. Though all anybody ever did was complain about my size. I was a size 14.
Finally I grew up. I did the usual cutting class and other things normal teenagers did. I met my husband and for the first time in my life I was happy. It actually lasted about 8 years before he cheated on me. He then tried to kiss my ass to make up for it for 2 years. I made his life hell because he had hurt me so bad. He then left me for some woman he never physically met online. During the divorce I was distraught and attempted suicide. Not something that I am proud of, but something that I did learn from. I was done with my life being shit and being tossed away that I temporarily gave up. After time in a mental hospital and counseling, I ended up with a man that I knew for ten years. I got pregnant. When I told him, he disappeared. He has never seen his son. That is when I struggled for real. I had been a housewife for years and had no job experience. Finally someone gave me a chance as a carry out person for bob evan's. I was there for five years. I worked my way up to server trainer and when they wouldn't promote me, I left and went to work for Longhorn Steakhouse. I was there for 5 years as well. When I left there I was lead server trainer, host trainer, bartender trainer and Key Manager. During this time I didn't date, I practiced celibacy. I focused on raising my kids, sacrificing my personal life for my kids and my career. Eventually though different companies, I worked my way to general manager. I was doing well for myself. All still while being single. I was able to travel and scuba dive and do things with my kids that we never were able to do while I was struggling while working my way up. I was making $55,000 a year before bonuses before I got sick.
Through all of this mess that was my life, no matter what I did I would get 3 steps forward and constantly knocked 4 steps back. My life has been one disaster after another and through it all I did it mostly by myself. I did my best as a mother but I realize I made mistakes. But I never gave up my kids. I may have worked 10 to 16 hours a day, 5 to 6 days a week for 16 years, but I was and am always there for them when they need me. Though I struggle, I am a tough but fair person. I am compassionate and care deeply for others, I never beat my kids, though they needed it at times. I don't have many friends, because I worked all the time and my social circle is mostly consistent of one man who though he isn't my romantic partner, loves me and treats me like a queen. My other male friend stepped in and claimed to be my youngest dad. Though he didn't have too, he has been his father for the last 12 years. My ex husband turned out to be more of a father to his new wife's kids and practically ignored his son most of his life. My oldest grew up to have a good heart though and has the most beautiful little girl who I adore. my youngest, is the most kind hearted young man.
So no, my life has been less than perfect, but I do my best everyday. Now after the hell that has been my life, I am sick and have a huge chance of not making it off the table. I reached out to you and you thought the worst. It was a test. All I wanted you to learn from those links is what had been happened to me in the last few months. I would apologize for my words, but why should I? No one has ever apologized for ruining my childhood. No one has apologized for giving me up. I will never understand what I did that was so horrible. But my sisters got their parents. Why could neither of you do that for me? It doesn't matter anymore. I just sometime wonder what my life would have been like if a few things were different. Maybe I would have never gotten fat. Maybe I wouldn't be almost 50 and growing old alone, which is my greatest fear coming to life. Maybe, I wouldn't be stuck in this god awful hell hole called Indiana. Who knows. If I live through this surgery, I will continue to fight and do my best to get back on my feet, by myself. Like I have done for years.
Truthfully, I don't know how to end this letter, but I will say this to you. I will NEVER, NEVER, EVER reach out to you again. I took the hint this time. Good luck with your life.
The Daughter you never got to know"
I have mostly done things by myself throughout the years I have had a few people help me out a time or two. Or maybe three lol. I am grateful for them and I am grateful to those who have donated to my GoFundMe. Though I am angry in the above letter. I am thankful beyond measure to those who have helped me out recently and in my past. This was therapeutic for me to write her. And yes, maybe I told too much about myself. But I am proud of the woman I have become and I have been wanting to say some of those things to her for many a year. I am posting my link to my gofundme below. I am still $400 away from losing my home. Please all I ask is that you share my link. Thank you.