• Chrys Wilkins

The Liar, The Fool, Its End

This isn't going to be short, it is also not a story. It is what happened to me, mostly by my choice and sadly it is all true. From my prospective, yet as they say, there are two sides to every story. So here is mine, but I sincerely doubt he will ever tell his side.

If you have been reading my blog, then you know that after my divorce I choose to focus on my career and gave up dating and everything to do with men for almost 9 years. In the middle of the eighth year I ran into someone I knew years before, shortly after my divorce. He was a former manager of mine. We reconnected and ended up becoming friends. He was and still is quite attractive. The more we hung out, the more attracted to him I became. I knew he didn't think of me the same way, so I tried my hand at dating for the first time since high school. It was a disaster and after a few months I decided to quit dating yet again, for another 9 years. Before I continue, he and I were friends for a total of almost 12 years. I am not proud of everything I did, I'm really not and I don't think he cared what he did as long as he got what he wanted.

The Liar: I will refer to him as the Liar for multiple reasons. His ex did a number on him so he convinced himself to harden his heart and pretty much holed up most of his emotions. Basically, he lied to himself first. He went on to charm, he is quite charming, several women. Dated and enticing, more than one at a time, all the time. He has a way of making you feel like you are important to him without doing anything at all. One of those men who are so quiet that you assume every one of his actions until you fall hopelessly in love with him. Communication is something he refuses to do, fun and sex is his primary agenda. He will let you believe whatever you want about him, no matter the situation, in order to get what he wants in the end. Throughout the years, though he didn't think I knew, I knew about almost all of the women. People talk, especially when drama abounds and women let the world know when they are hurting. A minimum of two women, both whom he dated at the same time, both of them for years, thought he was going to marry them. Both thought they were going to move in with him. Both were rudely awoken when he just stopped talking to them. It is his way, to avoid confrontation and allowing those he hurt to find closure. He was also dating, talking to and sleeping with other women while otherwise leading the other two women on and allowing them to think they were the only ones. Including one in the Philippines that thought he was going to fly her to America to marry him. Even his current one has never been the only one in the 6 years they have been together. Sadly, she is a horrible person. He actually dated some good women. This one, is not a good one. Goes to show you, his final taste is appalling. All of this and I haven't even mentioned me. I think I have said enough about the Liar.

The Fool: Alas if you haven't gathered as of yet, I am the Fool. Even though I knew all of those things about the Liar. I fell in love with him anyway. Even though I seen the others fall for him and his charm, I did the same. It started out innocent enough. He broke me out of my shell. I stopped hiding in the house and started traveling and trying knew things. Because I didn't want to disappoint him, I learned things I never thought I would. I attempted things I otherwise would have been too terrified to try on my own. I actually started doing things I would have never done in order to spend more time with him and to make him happy. But something happened. I ended up enjoying those things. As I fell more in love with him, I fell in love with all of the things we did. We ended up having more and more in common and spent more and more time together. We traveled, scuba dived, cooked, lived together and much, much more. During the first 8 and a half years, he knew I fell in love with him. I was unaware until a friend pointed it out to me so then I broke down and told him. His was response was basically not right now. That made me try harder to become the so called "perfect woman" for him. I quieted down my personality. I did more and more subservient things to please him. I ended up basically being his wife in all areas, except for one. He stayed the night with me at least one night a week. Some weeks more than one. During all of those years, I never once asked him to change for me. Not once. I accepted him and all of his flaws Then one day in December 2017 I was in a bad car accident. I thought that the fact that I came close to dying was a turning point for him and I. I am no longer so sure about that. He stayed with me for most of that month. I was pretty badly injured. He took care of me and after some healing our relationship finally took a turn for what I had longed for. Sex became part of the equation. I sacrificed my principles in order to have him in a way that I had longed to have him for years. Biggest mistake of my life and I have made some big ones. Now for the End.

Its End: As I mentioned above, I sacrificed my principles in order to have him in my bed. I have always been a one man woman, in this case I was no different. I just never demanded, asked or begged for him to stop his "dallying" with other women. We had an agreement that I would get the same "bedtime treatment" and our relationship would stay strong as long as I continued to be number one. The conditions were that if he met someone that he really wanted to settle down with, that wasn't me, he had to tell me so I could walk away gracefully. During all of this he continued to discuss with me our plans for retirement and growing old. I became more and more convinced that we would end up "together" in the end after his playing the field days were finished. As a loyal friend and lover, I was mostly content with waiting for him to stop playing the field. I will be honest, it did play havoc with my heart, but I did it anyway because I thought the final years would make up for it. Then apparently in February, he went on a cruise with one of his "women", I knew about it. Apparently she, yes I said she proposed to him and he said yes. He came back and never told me. We continued to sleep together just about every week after his return. He never told me. He continued to do what I knew he was capable of, but I never thought he would do it to me. Then one day he started acting odd. The type of odd I was used too. It usually meant he was spending time with one of his women. This time though, it went on for a couple of weeks. He didn't visit me during that time, again that was odd as well. Then on April 17th he finally come over to see me, but said he couldn't stay the night. We did our usual bedtime play, we had dinner and did our standard routine. I was upset that he had to leave but I dealt with it. Then the next day, his grandmother, whom I adore, messaged me and asked if I had boxes for moving. See she lives with him, her name is on the mortgage. He wouldn't have that house if it wasn't for her. "Why would she be moving out of her own home?" I thought, so I asked her. Then it dawned on me. I said to her, "He moved "her" in didn't he?" she couldn't lie to me and all of the pieces of my confusing puzzle started to fall into place. It was like a mind explosion and my heart shattering all at once. The one person who swore never to lie to me, the one person who swore he cared and loved me, lied to me. Ripped out my heart and stomped on it. The worst part, he never offered an explanation. He never even said he was sorry. Silence was my payment for years of sacrificing myself for him. Silence was my reward for being honest and faithful to him for over a decade. Silence was what I received when I asked him "How could you do this to me?" Silence, when I asked him "How could you let that woman treat your grandmother so horribly?" Silence. Just silence. That is the worst part. He went from being my best friend. My confidant. My lover. My everything to silence. As I told him, "To me, you were everything, my everything. To you, I was nothing, complete nothing." His one and only response, "Lie".

In the short time of one day, i discovered I had wasted over a decade believing in a man with no heart. A selfish man that let me believe I was important to him when I was nothing but a pawn in his mental game. When I say he lacked for nothing in ways of attention, affection, food, pandering and much, much more, I am not kidding. I never once asked him to be anything other than himself for me, yet I changed myself entirely for him. That was my mistake alone. So in June, I will take off on my own so called Eat, Pray, Love adventure. The next installment will be called, Drive, Discover, Heal. I am going on the road, I don't know where I am going, but I want to rediscover who I used to be and hopefully become even stronger than what I was before. I used to be so vibrant. I tempered myself and my reactions because it displeased the Liar. I will no longer play the Fool for anyone. The next man, IF, BIG IF there is one, will have to accept me for who I am. Flaws and all.

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